im holly from the hills drunk
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
