My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
