just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
