i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
