There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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