we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
