so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
