I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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