You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
