Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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