That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize