If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
