2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
