Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
