I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
