I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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