She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
