I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
