So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize