Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize