apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
