I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize