News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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