I wish my penis had an off switch
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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