I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
