Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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