Umm I'm too high to move.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
