I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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