Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
