Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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