Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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