i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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