mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Holy shit dude........stairs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
