I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
