I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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