she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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