I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize