Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
