If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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