im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Who died my cat blue again?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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