Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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