I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
