I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
