I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
