i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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