So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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