In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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