8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
