you turned your livingroom into a bong?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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