Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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