I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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