Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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