Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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