went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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