thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
