so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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